Today has been kind of a rough day. Sude broke her foot (poor thing) so I have just been sitting around the house. I guess I started wıth worrying about a friend back home who is having some hard times. If I were there I could maybe help this friend but over seas I am so useless. This worry and frustration pushed me into the hostility phase I suppose. I started to get really frustrated.I am still frustrated but have calmed down a little. Being away has really made me love some everyday things we have at home, for example anti itch cream or English key boards. Im slowly finding the humor but still every day is such a challenge because I am so out of my comfort zone. I cant even remember what it is like to understand what people around me are saying or to have someone who understands exactly where im coming from. I am an alien alone on a unknown planet. I suppose without these challenges, there wouldnt really be a point to going.
I am also feeling a lot of really uncomfortable anxiety. Im stuck in between two worlds- not quite fitting into the Turkish world, but wanting to, but not wanting to give up and completely forget people back home. Im scared after these ten months the people I love and I will fall apart and break away. That thought kills me.
This same friend made a comment also that I have already changed so much. I didnt see how that was possible but it is, and i am already a whole other person. So you could say my goal of growing as a person has already been met.
So, because i know these goals are possible and worth while and that this experience could only amount to good, i will continue on my treck, standing tall and strong. But let me say this- Ten months is a long time.
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Change can be a good thing or a bad thing, it all depends on how you take it and manipulate it. Nobody is forgetting. As much as we try.. haha. You're the kind of person that stays in ones mind forever. Light up the sky, Amber. Smile. :)
ReplyDeletewelcome to my world amber :( don't worry, things get better (no matter how painfully slowly) with time. go ahead and cry, it helps so much sometimes. take it one day at a time. try to find one thing everyday that you love about being in turkey. try to enjoy every day, even when there are days so hard you feel like you can't even open your eyes in the morning. it will pass. i'm struggling with the same stuff still, but everyday i look out the window and just think about how happy i am to be in indonesia and how excited i was the day i got the scholarship. i try to channel that happy energy into myself every day, even though a lot of the time i'm so exhausted it feels like it doesn't even make a difference. if you ever wanna talk, i'm always around. wanna be pen pals?
ReplyDeleteHey Amber,
ReplyDeleteI'm Lizz, an AFS-USA returnee from the Netherlands 07-08 and now a volunteer with AFS Canada. Found your blog through some inexplicable internetting, but that's another story. I feel for you! Everyone has similar experiences during exchange, but don't worry, it's all part of it. Talking to other AFSers in your program (maybe the ones you traveled over with, or kids you know from orientation placed elsewhere in the country) can really help--I can assure you that out of everyone, they DO know exactly where you're coming from. You seem to be staying positive though, so keep it up. =) Also, in relation to losing your friends back home: it won't happen. If some people fall out of touch, it won't be your best friends anyway. Actually, I have some friends here that I barely kept in contact with during my exchange, but we're still really close now. As my German sister used to tell me, "Everything will become fine."
Sorry for this long, random comment...just trying to help. =)
Well, I would normally say something really comforting here, but honestly I think Flan and Francesca put what I wanted to say quite nicely. Re-read what they said again, it's great advice.
ReplyDeletehow incredibly sweet of you to want to be here for your friend and help in their time of need...they are lucky to have you. and the incredible part of doing what you are doing...it's not changing YOU it's helping you grow and evolve and without growth or change or what have you...well...life and people would get rather boring and stale.
ReplyDeleteall my best...love you! keep the course...know you are in a good place and well supported and rely on that when times get tough.
I know that however much you change, i will still stay your friend. I will not ever stop being your friend, no matter how hard you try...lol...jk. I am reading both yours and flan's blogs, which is really fun, but sad all the same. You have no idea how lonely lunch and drama are...:(sad face. you probably know what it's like to feel all alone though. "feel" is the key word, because you're not alone, really. what i mean is that it seems that way, but in reality, you still have friends and family to come home in a year to. AND(this is a really long post) you still have your friends to talk to with this blog...
ReplyDeleteANY WAY,
what i'm trying to get at is that i love you and miss you, and wish you the best of luck in your adventure.
Love,
Frabby